


Floored: Paine's Romantic Saga

by havelocke (tokyojunk)



Category: Final Fantasy X-2
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor, Other, Romance, Why you do dis?, trash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2016-09-12
Packaged: 2018-08-14 13:47:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8016382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tokyojunk/pseuds/havelocke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Paine finds romance in the unlikeliest of places.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Staring Contest

**Author's Note:**

> This is a joke fic. Send help.

Paine stared down at the floor frowning.  
  
“I don’t think this will work out.”  
  
“Why not?” the floor asked.  
  
Paine opened her mouth and then closed it. She was dealing with a floor that was smarter than Brother. She thought for a second.  
  
“You’re a floor,” she finally answered.  
  
“Well, I didn’t think looks would matter to you Paine. I’m sort of hurt,” the floor replied.  
  
“People walk all over you.”  
  
“I wouldn’t have a job if people didn’t,” it reasoned. “Plus I’m smarter than Brother.”  
  
“What isn’t’?”  
  
“True.” The floor paused. “How about we make this a contest? Whoever blinks first has to buy the other dinner.”  
  
Paine paused before answering. She could hold a mean staring contest like no other. She thought that while it was sort of impossible to go out with a floor, she might as well beat the living shit out of it in a staring game and get free dinner. Paine loved food and the girl was cheap.  
  
“You’re on.”  
  
The contest only lasted five minutes before Paine blinked.  
  
“Damn it!” She then glared at the floor.  
  
“You win this round,” she growled.  
  
The warrior turned around and walked away with the floor smiling smugly behind her.


	2. Dinner Date

Paine made sure to schedule the date when everyone was asleep. She didn’t want any interruptions and of course she wanted to avoid questions. How could she explain that she was going on a date with the floor and that present company–Shinra excluded because he could talk circles around her and he was like, what? Five?—didn’t meet the obviously strict (no, not really) requirements for intellectual conversation.  
  
The door to the bridge slid open and Paine walked in, her heels clacking against the metal. She noticed a lit candle, a bottle of wine, and a glass sitting on the floor. She sat down making herself comfortable.  
  
“So you come here often?” she said, trying her hand at flirty but ending up somewhere between stupid and awkward.  
  
“I’m the floor,” he replied.  
  
There was a small pause.  
  
“Well excuse me for trying to make conversation,” Paine said. She reached for the glass of wine. “Aren’t you going to have any?”  
  
“I don’t fancy wine,” the floor said.  
  
Paine raised an eyebrow as she filled up her glass. She didn’t question the mechanics of how a floor can absorb liquid. Maybe it got its kicks from being mopped to death with obnoxious cleaning liquids. Oh well, more for her.  
  
“So you’re a warrior?” the floor asked, deciding to make more conversation.  
  
“Amongst other things,” she replied after a sip of wine.  
  
“Interesting, I dibble and dabble into my own hobbies as well.”  
  
“Really like what?”  
  
“Talking to Shinra about quadratic equations, tripping brother, looking up Rikku’s skirt, looking into diplomatic relations between Kilika and Besaid, collecting rare gil from different locations according to time period and caste system, you know, boring stuff like that.”  
  
Paine smirked, impressed. “You sound so cultured.”  
  
“I’ve traveled a bit.”  
  
Paine downed the rest of her glass and served herself another.  
  
“How’d you end up here?” she asked.  
  
“I got bored being scrap metal and decided to travel a bit.”  
  
She nodded, understanding how he felt.  
  
“How about you?” he asked.  
  
Paine shrugged. “I was bored.”  
  
If the floor had any eyebrows, he would’ve definitely quirked one up at that moment.  
  
“Really? You look like the type that was involved in some type of military squad where one of your friends betrayed you, therefore making you come on this journey to find out what actually happened.”  
  
There was a short silence as Paine gulped down glass number two.  
  
“No…I was just bored.”  
  
The rest of the night progressed smoothly. The conversation took an interesting turn when Paine opened up more. She wasn’t sure if it was because of the floor’s charm or the wine kicking in, but she felt like she could say anything. When the wine was gone and Paine’s cheeks reflected the color of the Celsius, they both decided to call it a night.  
  
“So…I was wondering if we could do this again sometime.”  
  
Paine nodded drunkenly. “Sure, I had a great time.”  
  
If the floor had lips, he’d ask Paine for a kiss. He wondered how that go about since she was drunk and he…had no lips.  
  
So he decided that he needed to be smooth about it. Despite the fact that the warrior was drunk off her knocker, he still wanted to look cool. Maybe he should lower his voice, make it husky and ask then. That way she wouldn’t be able to resist him when—  
  
Paine landed face first into the floor.  
  
Hmm…  
  
...that worked too.


	3. It's not you, it's my sword

The floor and Paine have been dating for about six months now and lately the warrior had been distant. The floor figured what with trying to save the world from an evil revenge driven ghost, the girl had a lot on her plate. Still, she was able to attend that horrible concert with Yuna singing that retched thousand words song that made the sky cry doves and glitter. Although that wasn't his thing, he figured it would be a time for them to get closer and share in their common interest of mocking everyone who wasn't them. He'd try to get a hold of her, but it was "I have a mission to Kilika" this "And those Chocobos aren't gonna race themselves that". He wondered if she was having an affair. All the signs pointed to it. The lack of time spent together, the odd cuts and marks on her neck, the way she sneaked around, trying to avoid him when they both knew he was all over the place because he was the damn floor.  
  
It wasn't until she came up to him that he saw who it was she was cheating with, with his very own...er...eyes.  
  
"Who's that?"  
  
Paine stopped and looked at her weapon.  
  
"My sword."  
  
"Oh, so that's his name? Sword?" he asked, almost mockingly.  
  
Paine wasn't sure what was going on. Her sword's name was Sebastian, but she was sure that wasn't what the floor was mad about.  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
"Of course not! You're cheating on me with your sword. Just look at that bastard, smiling smugly at me because you're holding his hilt." If the floor could give a disapproving disgusted glare he would. But as it was he was the floor so his face was really difficult to read.  
  
"Um, it's a skull. It's always smiling."  
  
"Oh! Defend him will you."  
  
"What the hell is your problem? It's just a sword."  
  
The floor tried to glare at Paine who only blinked at him in confusion.  
  
"It's just not a sword," he said. "It's _the_ sword, the one you probably work with and stay out all night."  
  
Paine looked between the floor and the sword. "I use it for missions."  
  
"You've been nothing but excuses lately."  
  
"Look," Paine started and remembered the floor didn't have a proper name. "Floor. If you can't trust me with other inanimate objects, then I don't see this working out."  
  
The floor was taken a back. So the relationship gets a little tough and it was time to break it off?  
  
"What?" he asked, hoping she would change her mind.  
  
"We had a nice run, but if this is how you're going to be then I don't think this is going to work out."  
  
"So the relationship gets a little hard and you want to leave me?"  
  
Paine blinked.  
  
"You're also the floor," she added.  
  
"And you're going to hold that against me?"  
  
"Sure?"  
  
They stared at each other in silence.  
  
"Let's just be friends," Paine said wanting to get this over with. She had other things to do other than break up her six month relationship with the floor.  
  
"You're friendzoning me? You don't friendzone me!" the floor said in hysterics. "You friendzone other people we make fun of after you bait them into thinking you're available, but you _do not_ friendzone me."  
  
Paine raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Well she just did because of me," the sword whispered, smugly.   
  
"You stay out of this!" the floor snapped and Paine looked confused for a moment before looking at her sword. "It didn't say anything.""  
  
"Whatever! If I had a heart it'd be broken. Instead, I'll just wallow in the fact that I'm a sentient being destined to eternal bachelorhood."  
  
If he had tear ducts, he would cry. But he didn't because he had to stay strong. He couldn't believe it was over. Sure they only lasted six months, but those six months were beautiful what with Paine walking over him, sitting on him, talking with him, getting drunk on him, and him looking up Rikku's skirt when Paine wasn't looking.  
  
"Can I go now?" Paine finally asked, feeling awkward.   
  
"No, stare at the floor like a crazy person and ponder where exactly did your life choices lead you to this."  
  
Paine rolled her eyes. She had things to do that didn't involve consoling a melodramatic floor. The warrior left without a word and the floor felt hurt. But that was okay. The stairs managed to trip her later and she fell and twisted her ankle. It was a terrible thing to convince the stairs to do, but at least it made him feel better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that happened. I wrote a fic about Paine and the floor. Don't know where to go from here, but I'm going to stop it now haha.


End file.
